my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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