Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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