I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
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I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
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I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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