quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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