I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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