Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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