best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
