Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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