I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
