you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
