he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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