Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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