How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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