i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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