Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
