Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
