Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
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your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
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We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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