dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
