Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
