are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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