what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
