I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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