i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
