worst night to have a conscience
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
