in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
