On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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