Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
