I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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