There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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