I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
