my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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