I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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