hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
