matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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