the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
