I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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