Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
