nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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