i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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