So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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