Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
