All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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