I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
