Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Someone stole a lamp last night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
