we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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