My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
