Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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