I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
