i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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