I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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