hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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