she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
