one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
