david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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