think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
