I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
