Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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