I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
