The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
