My liver just broke up with me...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
