It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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