I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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