my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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