i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
