Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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