It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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