Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I FOUND THE LEGS
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
